


i love you, thorns and all

by deathbyathousandpapercuts (orphan_account)



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Divorce, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Post-Divorce, i'm not sure what to tag this as, mate bond, not feysand lovers friendly, yes... this is feysand divorce fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 06:34:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20421518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/deathbyathousandpapercuts
Summary: A feysand divorce fic, heavily centered on rhys decisions under the mountain. Heart-wrenching angst. Not for people who like happiness. Feylin endgame.





	i love you, thorns and all

**Author's Note:**

> don't eat me alive.

I knew I could never forgive him, never love him again, but when Rhys had sent me a snapshot of a memory, the state of Tamlin’s manor home, his matted hair, once fair cheekbones now sharp as a whip; I knew I had to go to him. I had everything, and he was fighting to eat and breathe. I had no doubt that he still loved me. 

I found the courage to tell Rhys of my plans. We’d been starting to try for a baby and this would throw a wrench in the works but I refused, flat out, to let Tamlin suffer. 

Mor winnowed me in three days after Rhysand sent the memories. 

She hugged me sweetly and winnowed away into nothing. There still weren’t wards on the manor grounds. Anyone could come and go however they pleased. 

I stepped up the manor stairs, a spring breeze brushed my cheeks. It was desolation. The once beautiful manor was in ruins, the marble of the stairs leading into the house were cracked and in some places heaved up. The pillars of the manson were crumbling, in the places they were still standing. 

“Tamlin?” I shouted into the manor. “Tamlin… it’s Feyre.” 

A feral groan answered me. There was a small room, which I now recognized as my old painting room, where Tamlin’s beast form was resting, wounded. 

He changed back to his high fae form. His trousers were torn and bloody in places. Tamlin’s lip was busted, leaving a bloody smear across his lips. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, but the usually corded and tight muscles of his torso had diminished. He was… utterly ruined. 

A memory flashed in my mind. Me, looking in the mirror after three months of wasting away at the Spring Court. Being locked up. I shivered, and even though Tamlin had done so many horrendous things, I wouldn’t let him suffer. 

I didn’t want to know who did it. Hell, it could’ve been Lucien, but I doubted it. 

“Let’s get you to the infirmary,” I said gently. For all he had wanted to stifle my powers they would now be healing his various injuries. The bitter thought coursed through me. 

_ Everything ok? _

It was Rhys, gently tugging on our bond. 

_ I didn’t think it would be this bad _ .

_ He’ll be fine. Don’t feel guilty for a second. He did this to himself.  _

I took Tamlin to the infirmary. He was so… silent. I quickly healed his lip and cleaned and bandaged his scratches and gashes. 

I found a mild sedative in the infirmary cabinet. It would do him some good to just… rest. I tipped the bottle into his mouth and he swallowed greedily. 

A few minutes later Tamlin was softly snoring and I set out to welcome Mor bringing food back. She brought fresh meat, bread, eggs, blueberries, milk and potatoes; all in massive quantities. There was a bin with some of my favorite foods, no doubt Rhysand had made sure they were there. I noticed a basket with some foods that I didn’t recognize packing… apricot preserve, parsley and dill for cooking. If I had to guess, they were what Rhysand remembered of Tamlin’s favorite foods. 

I thanked Mor again for winnowing the food. She asked to stay, to make sure there was no fighting. I just shrugged her off. I really had no idea what I was getting into. I kissed the top of her hair. She was basically a sister to me now. 

I set to working. I lit a fire in the oven, and found a dish that wasn’t broken to cook pork chops in. I opened cans of beans, strained them and cooked some rice. It wasn’t luxury food but it would put some meat on his bones. 

The soft padding of bare feet shocked me from my spot at the stove. 

“Feyre?” Tamlin’s voice wobbled. 

I turned to face him. His hair was still matted and his face only clean since I’d had to sanitize it to clean his wounds. 

“Tamlin.” I said curtly. 

“Thank you.” Tamlin was… pathetic. 

I tugged on the bond between Rhys and I. 

_ What the hell did I get myself into??  _ I said down the bond. 

_ You  _ ** _wanted_ ** _ to do this.  _ Rhys replied. 

I brought down shields of adamant to keep even my mate out. What was I doing? Lucien had been right though, we would need Tamlin before the dust settled. 

So I forced a smile and asked my ex-boyfriend if he wanted tea. 

“I don’t think I have any…” Tamlin replied. 

I snapped my fingers, lit the stove and removed my favorite tea from a pocket in the apron I was wearing. There was no sugar but he could live without it and I took my tea black. 

“Do you have any mugs?” I asked him, keeping my tone level. 

“There might be one in the highest cupboard. I ruined almost everything in the house.” Tamlin said shamefully. 

I nodded and barely reached the mug, it was a tall blue pottery mug. 

The kettle whistled and I poured water into the mug. I put the two tea bags into the cup and let the tea steep. I went about making dinner and Tamlin stayed unnaturally quiet. 

I grabbed an unbroken plate and put a serving of rice and beans on it. I cut into the pork chops and gave him the biggest one. I set his food out, I just grabbed some rice and beans for myself. We shared the tea. It seemed gross to me at first but… I’d done a lot more intimate things with Tamlin than share a cup. 

We ate in silence. Tamlin ate every scrap of food. It was hard for me to watch him suffer like this. He had done so many inexcusable things but he had also made it so all the High Lords were there when Rhysand gave his life to re-make the Cauldron and made it so I could have Rhysand back. Tamlin had even (if not under duress) wished me happiness. 

I cleared away the dishes. “How do you feel?” I asked him. 

“Like I want to remove my skin.” 

“Maybe a bath?” 

“That won’t make me feel better.” Tamlin countered, his eyes looking anywhere but me. 

I knew what he was talking about. He felt ashamed of all the things he’d said and done, rightfully so. 

“I don’t deserve you, a married and mated female, waiting on me hand and foot,” Tamlin groaned, and rubbed his temple. 

I didn’t know what to say. No, he didn’t deserve me. Every member of the Inner Circle had said that when I’d planned this. “It’s nothing Tamlin.” 

“Well… thank you. I know my temper has always gotten in the way of…” he laughed derisively, “ _ Everything _ .” 

I took a sip of the tea, and sighed. “I don’t want your thanks. I want you at your prime. I want you to put the pieces back together. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” 

Tamlin nodded and attempted to run a hand through his hair. It was matted and tangled beyond recognition. 

“Do you have some scissors I could cut it with?” I asked 

He groaned, “You’ll need the power of the cauldron to get this mess off my head.” 

I rolled my eyes. 

I got up, let him have the rest of the tea and found a huge pair of scissors. I started snipping pieces of the matted, muddy mess. Eventually, with the help of some magic, I had his hair looking relatively decent, if not quite a bit shorter than his usual style.

I hadn’t realized it until I yawned and checked the time, it was getting late. 

“Is there a place for me to sleep?” I asked hopefully. 

He barked out a laugh. “Yes, Lucien’s room is free.” 

“Ok. I’ll head up then. Try to get some rest.” 

“Goodnight Feyre.” 

*~*~*

  
  


I woke that morning and noticed the unnatural silence that now dominated the spring court. At home, in Velaris, there was always some kind of noise, whether it be birds or Nuala and Cerridwen mysteriously preparing for the day. 

I threw the covers off me and dressed in clean leggings, and a long sleeved sweater dress. It was cold this morning. I looked at the clock on the bedside table… it was barely seven. 

There was a knock on my door. I finished straightening my clothes and opened it. 

Tamlin was standing there, looking thoroughly miserable. “You slept?” 

“Ugh… yeah?” I said, questioningly. 

“Cauldron boil and fry me Feyre. I don’t know how you can sleep with this deathly silence.” 

“It’s easy, close your eyes and go to sleep.” I mocked him. 

He shut up after that. I knew it wasn’t the lack of birds chirping or whatever other nonsense he was prattling on about. He had regrets and apparently they’d become his only willing bedfellows. 

I ignored him and went downstairs. I toasted some of the wheat bread that I had brought. There was coffee, fresh from the farms in the Summer Court. I ground it with magic and found a coffee press, mostly unbroken. 

I said good morning to Rhys down the bond. 

_ How long are you staying? _

_ I don’t know.  _

_ Please be safe. You know Tamlin is known to be prone to bouts of physical anger.  _

_ I can take care of it. Love you.  _

_ Love you too.  _

The bond went quiet. 

I was alone and I had no idea where Tamlin was… 

So I had breakfast alone. I set out apricot preserve for him and a cup of black coffee. Eventually Tamlin came down. He looked and smelled much cleaner. 

“You want to go set up some snares?” I asked him, “And possibly train a bit?” 

He looked at me, and nodded. 

I was extremely surprised we hadn’t fought yet, but then again, maybe there was no fight left in Tamlin.

“Feyre, you don’t have to be here.” Tamlin said abruptly. “You owe me nothing.” 

“I know, but I won’t let you suffer. I know everything you did was to get me back and you just couldn’t see, you would never see, that Rhys and I were mates.” 

“I knew, but I pressed you anyways.” Tamlin said. 

That frustrated me. 

There was a long beat of silence and ping of magic beaming through the ruined manor. 

“What’s that?” I asked 

“The doorbell.” Tamlin said grimly. “Please stay here.”

Tamlin went and I felt his roar of rage before I heard it. He came back and his claws were out. There was that stupid fucking temper. The temper that had burned his world to ashes, had caused me to run into another male’s arms and had pushed even his greatest friends and allies away from him. Rhys was right to worry. 

“Dearest Lucien has brought me a note.” 

“So? I thought you were done with him?” I said quickly. 

Tamlin sighed testily. “I’m an immortal, Feyre. No one is truly done with anyone until they are dead and gone.” 

That seemed a bit too deep for half after seven in the morning. But he was right, Tamlin and I  _ still _ weren’t done no matter how hard I’d tried to disentangle myself from him. 

Tamlin grumbled something and then pressed the note into her hand with a sharp claw. 

_ High Lord Tamlin,  _

_ I hate to be the bearer of bad news but we; Jurian, Vassa and myself, have noticed there are some lesser fae sneaking into the mortal realm and killing and robbing the humans. This is unacceptable. Please respond with a solution in two days time. Otherwise we will be forced to move against your court.  _

_ Best wishes,  _

_ Lucien Vanserra _

Feyre gave the paper back to Tamlin. “Well shit, I guess you better come up with something.” 

“I  _ can’t _ ! My forces are obliterated. No one will follow me!” 

Feyre tapped her foot. She needed to help him solve this problem. She was here to help him, as a favor, because if Velaris had been obliterated she would have wanted Tamlin to have the decency to help her and Rhys, not that, that would ever happen. 

Feyre didn’t realize it but she’d conveyed this entire conversation to Rhys. 

_ Could you please stop shouting down the bond?  _ __   
_   
_ __ Sorry! Tamlin’s got a situation. 

_ Uhhmm hmm….  _

_ Could we borrow a few Illyrians?  _

_ I’ve already said Tamlin is welcome to our forces to defend his land. I don’t think Lucien is serious.  _

_ What if he is though?  _

_ Then on Tamlin’s head be it.  _

_ Rhys! _

_ Just kidding, I’ll talk to Cassian.  _

“Well it seems like you owe Rhysand quite a bit, he’s talking to Cassian to see if he can get some Illyrians down here.” 

“I don’t want his forces! I want to be able to hold my own.” 

I rolled my eyes. 

Tamlin harrumphed. 

  
  


*~*~*

Two days passed, some of Cassian’s favorites had been chosen to come to Tamlin’s aid. Lucien had sent his thanks for the cessation of fae attacks in the human realm. 

The Illyrians ,accompanied by a grumpy shadowsinger and an even grumpier commander, brought sugar and other luxuries. 

I hugged Az and Cassian giving them each a kiss on the cheek. They were not happy about this but they’d apparently come to see that I was still in one piece. 

Cassian pointed out to Tamlin, none too kindly, that he looked like shit. 

Tamlin, I have to say, was the bigger man and just walked away. 

I had a short conversation with the two warriors and something in me sparked. I wanted to go home. But it wasn’t fair, I’d barely given Tamlin a leg up. He still needed help. 

“Do me a favor, I need to get Tamlin back in fighting shape in a hurry. If he looks weak no one will ever follow him. What should I do?” 

“You’re going to train him.” Az said, it was a statement, not a question. 

“I don’t think anyone else will do it.” I replied.

“No,” Cassian said, “Not my High Lady.” 

I frowned. It was as much for Tamlin as it was for me. 

“Yes. I’m going to do it.” I barreled forward. “I’m not doing this for Tamlin, I’m doing it for me. Because I know I need to set things right and  _ everyone _ needs to bury this centuries old feud between the Night Court and Spring Court.” 

Azriel pulled me aside. His shadows were writhing and I could tell he was irritated. “I know you think this is the right thing,” he started, “Rhys is going to go out of his mind though.” 

I frowned. “I’ll talk to him.” 

Azriel shook his head. “It’s none of my business and you should do what you feel is right. But… I swear to god, if Tamlin lays a finger on you in anger…” 

I sighed. “I won’t let it happen.” 

Az nodded.

Cassian took this time to stick his head in. “The illyrians are posted around the border. Did you convince her not to train this toad?” He said looking at Az.

“Feyre is fine. If she can hold her own against Hybern then I’m sure she can handle Tamlin.” Az replied. 

Cassian didn’t look satisfied. He leaned in to my ear and said, “He tries anything with you and you just knee him in the balls.” 

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Thank you for sending some of the illyrians down here. I’ll be home as soon as he-” I said, pointing to Tamlin, just retreating into the manor, “looks like he can take down a mouse without falling over.” 

Cass and Az shook their heads. Tamlin kept his distance. 

“I love you guys, please tell Rhys I’m in one piece.” 

“Will do,” Cassian said. Both illyrians spread their wings and surged into the air. 

  
  


*~*~*

  
  


It was about midday, the same day the illyrians had been dropped off at Tamlin’s border, and I actually needed to get out of that destroyed manor. The stale air in the place was making want to choke on my own breath. I figured a brisk walk around the grounds would do the trick. I set off, not really knowing what Tamlin was up to. He’d said he was going to try his magic on my room and try to get it sorted but I didn’t know how much magic he had left in him. 

I power walked around the grounds for about thirty minutes. It was still winter but the spring court was unseasonably warm. It was nice enough that I just needed leggings and a t-shirt. 

I didn’t really want to break a sweat, so I headed back to the manor. I found Tamlin arranging my room with magic. It didn’t look half bad. He’d repaired all the broken furniture and banished the vines that had worked their way through the walls. He looked… exhausted. 

“Tamlin?” I said. 

His focus broke and I smiled at him. 

He blinked several times. “Feyre,” he rasped. 

“Yes?” 

“I don’t need you to stay here.” 

I looked at him, looked into his leaf green and gold eyes, and saw the pain there. I knew he deserved every second of it, but there was a part of me, probably my silly mortal heart, that wondered. There were so many questions I had for him. Most of all,  _ why _ ? Why lock me up? I couldn’t keep my big mouth to myself. 

“What made you do it? What made you lock me up?” I blurted, I covered my mouth. I started to turn away from him…but he took my hand, gently. 

“Feyre…I did it because I was scared, scared and selfish. I knew you had special powers, knew they could help us but I was so afraid. You saw how angry Beron was at that meeting when he learned that you had some of his power. You were brand new High Fae, Made and Cauldron-Blessed. I had no idea what to do. I was selfish because I suspected you were angry with me for digging me out of the ashes of the Court of Nightmares only to have me not fight for you.” 

“Why didn’t you fight for me? Didn’t you claim to love me?” I said, voice a little shaky. 

“I  _ do _ love you…” Tamlin’s palid cheeks turned a shade of pink I hadn’t seen in a very long time. “ _ Fuck _ , that came out wrong. I wanted Amarantha dead. I didn’t know what to do. I-I wanted to live a life with you. There was something wrong with my mind when I went to seek you out. I think if I had fought for you they would have killed me. Only at the end did the… well I don’t know what it was… but my mind was free when you answered the riddle and I watched as she threw you around and when your neck snapped…” Tamlin took in a sharp breath. “I thought you were dead. I didn’t know there was anything  _ to do _ .” 

Maybe Amarantha has poisoned him? Used another spell to reduce his power to nothing? “Couldn’t you fight the magic? You fought her curse when I was here!” I was grasping at straws. 

The faint blush spread down his face and onto his neck and chest, this time in anger. “Because I’m a fucking coward! I knew I was breaking you by not fighting everyday but Amarantha promised me that if I didn’t stay my hand, if I helped you, both of us would die. Even Lucien suffered for his part!” 

“Lucien is ten times the man you’ll ever be!” I snapped in absolute fury, I felt my flame coursing through my veins.

“Feyre…” His claws were out. He was angry. He was merely a husk of the man I had burned myself up over. I stepped forward and shoved him, away from my room, away from me. I shut the door to my room and sealed it with magic.

I burst into tears. He had no excuses, no real reason for not helping me when my mate, Rhys, had done everything he could. It didn’t change the fact that I had loved him and  _ died _ for him. 

Still, something wasn’t adding up. 

*~*~*

  
  


I woke up, after crying my way to sleep, and found I was very thirsty. It felt like I was going in reverse. I had a devoted mate who had made me his high lady and I was trying to riddle out the past as if it wasn’t plainly obvious. 

I wandered downstairs and found it was only seven in the evening, I’d slept all day. Tamlin’s back was to me as I walked into the kitchen. He was eating a piece of the bread I’d brought. 

I felt like crying all over again. I went to his ice box and retrieved the milk and sliced a piece of bread for myself. Tamlin was watching me the whole time. 

Why? Why did my heart ache when I was near him? Why did my heart do foolish things in my chest when I was near him. 

There was a gentle tug on the bond.  _ Is there a reason you’ve been crying?  _ Rhys said gently down the bond. 

_ Tamlin and I were talking about Amarantha.  _

_ And I assume he was a dick?  _

_ Yes.  _

_ Don’t be afraid to *ahem* remove that particular appendage.  _

_ Rhys!  _

_ Love you! _

The bond went quiet. It was extremely tempting to do just as Rhys suggested, that or flat out kill Tamlin.

I sniffled. Tamlin came over and watched me chug the milk and inhale the bread. 

“Feyre…”

“I  _ do not _ want to talk to you. I’m leaving tomorrow.” 

Tamlin’s shoulders sagged. “Why?” 

“You know why.” 

He let the argument hang there. I went back up to bed, changed into shorts and a t-shirt and laid my head on the pillow. 

  
  


*~*~*

  
  


For the first time in a long time Amarantha pulled me from my sleep screaming. There was an insistent knocking on my door. “Feyre! Are you ok? Feyre! Open the damn door.” 

I opened the door and fell into his arms. Tamlin held me. I cried into his chest, not knowing what else to do. Rhys wasn’t awake. He shushed me and rubbed my back. It felt so wrong, so absolutely terribly wrong. Amarantha was still haunting me even though she’d been dead and gone for over a year. 

“What do you need?” Tamlin asked me. 

“Rhys.” 

“If you want to go to him I’ll winnow you,” Tamlin offered. 

I sobbed harder. What the fuck? Didn’t this ever get easier? Since when was Tamlin so selfless? I had so many questions. I mumbled something to myself, apparently it was more audible than I’d been expecting. 

“You just want a hug?” 

I nodded my head pathetically. 

He wrapped his arms around me. I wrapped my arms around him too. I let my head rest on his chest and listened to the  _ thump thump _ of his heart. I don’t know how long we stood like that. 

He kissed my hair, and I looked into his leaf green eyes. I sniffled and wiped my eyes. I wanted to go back to bed. 

Tamlin could tell I didn’t want anymore attention. 

“Even if you want me to winnow you to Velaris right now, I’ll do it.” 

His sincerity struck me in the chest, “It’s my job to get you on your feet again.” 

“ _ No it’s not _ !” Tamlin said. “I got myself in this mess I’ll dig myself back out. I think you should go home.” 

“That’s not what you were saying when you wouldn’t eat and you had an eagle’s nest in your hair!” I bit back. 

He smiled sadly. “If Lucien is ten times the male I’ll ever be then I know Rhys is at least a thousand times the male I am, especially now. Go home, Feyre.” 

I kissed his cheek. I don’t know why I did, it just seemed like the right thing to do. He cupped my face in his hands. “I love you enough, now, to know you were never mine.” 

“Then take me home, and don’t let any of the other’s see you.” 

He nodded, I held his arm and we winnowed away. 

  
  


*~*~*

  
  


I got into the house with little difficulty and Tamlin was only there for a second. I got my shoes off and Rhys was downstairs. 

“Hey are you ok?” Rhys said slowly. 

“I just need to sleep.” I said carefully. 

Rhys walked over to me, and said, “You smell like him,” Rhys stepped back, “His scent is all over you!” He said revolted

“He just hugged me, I had a nightmare!” I snapped. In the moment I realized it probably wasn’t the best thing to say. 

“Why did he need to hug you? Why would you let him hug you!” Rhys bit out. “Why did you have a nightmare?!” 

I fell silent. I was a married and mated female. I had no business doing Tamlin any favors. Rhys must’ve taken my silence to mean something other than embarrassment. 

“Did he try to force himself on you?” He asked, the fight flaring in his violet eyes.

“No.” I said softly. 

“Go take a shower. I can’t stand that stink.” Rhys said bitterly. 

*~*~*

I showered and got something cute on instead of a ratty t-shirt and shorts. It was winter here but lacy underthings were Rhys’ preference. 

I laid down next to him in bed, he was reading, seemingly calmed down from our little spat in the kitchen. 

“I missed you.” I said, almost hesitating to say it. He seemed so angry. 

“I know, I missed you too.” He said, voice softening. 

“Can I have a kiss?” 

“Yes.” Rhys marked his page, and leaned over and kissed me. 

“Why did you let me go down there?” I asked between kisses. 

“You wanted to.” He said pausing the kissing.

“You don’t-” 

“A thought for a thought?” Rhys offered. 

“Ok.” 

_ Tamlin triggered me but he didn’t do it purposefully, I asked him why he never fought for me and he kept telling me that Amarantha was going to kill both of us if he fought. Your thought? _

_ I was dead worried about you. I thought for sure he was going to try something stupid.  _

Then I said out loud, “You know I’m perfectly capable of beating his ass, illyrian blood rite style, if he ever got handsy.” 

Rhys grinned. “So does this mean you’re staying?” 

I considered it. “I have a question, about under the mountain.” 

“Shoot,” Rhys said, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand. 

“Did you know anything that would get me out of that hell hole that you didn’t say? Do you know why Tamlin didn’t fight for me?” I asked gingerly. 

Rhys paused and inhaled a deep breath, “I did, I knew the answer to the riddle. She would have killed me if I told you though, and in case you didn’t remember you didn’t exactly trust me back then.” 

“What else did you know?” I asked. 

“I knew that Tamlin couldn’t fight for you. No matter how hard he tried.” Rhys said with shame in his eyes. “It’s no use-” 

“What do you mean you  _ knew _ he couldn’t fight for me?” I said, voice pitching higher. 

“Amarantha didn’t want him to help you. So she made sure he couldn’t by making me hold his mind.” 

I was pretty sure I looked like a fish out of water. My jaw was hanging and I had no idea what to even say to that. 

“I guess I should take the guest bedroom tonight?” Rhys said guilty. 

I threw my hands up in the air and barked at him, “ _ Yeah _ , I guess you should.” 

  
  


*~*~*

  
  


I tossed and turned all night long. Finally, I wrote him a note saying I was going back to the Spring Court, that I was upset and maybe we needed some space. 

I grabbed a suitcase and started stuffing things into it. Mostly clothes, a few trinkets and such. I loved Rhysand beyond a shadow of a doubt. But what he’d just admitted to, what he’d just stirred up was irreversible. 

I got dressed and I heard Rhys’ soft footsteps from down the hall. 

“Please don’t leave.” He said sadly. 

“You haven’t given me a lot of options.” I said, with quiet ferocity. 

“You shouted down the bond all night. I know exactly what you’re feeling, please, Feyre, let me fix this.” He said rubbing his half hard cock against my thigh. 

I was so sad, so angry, I grabbed his hand and let flame course through my veins. My hands heated and he recoiled. 

“ _ Feyre!” _

“No, I’m leaving. You know better than to think  _ sex _ will fix this. We need some time.”

“Feyre, darling, I’m already going out of my mind with worry.” 

“I know. But… you could have ended my suffering that time you came down to see me. You could have told me. You could have done  _ anything _ !” 

“I did!” Rhys snapped back at me. “I fixed your infected arm. Do you honestly think Amarantha didn’t know I went down there?” Rhys’ eyes looked glassy. “She rode me all night!” 

I flinched. Rhys had said the exact thing that would make me stay. Any woman laying her conniving hands on him made me feel ill. Then I thought of the gravity of what Tamlin said to me….  _ I love you enough, now, to know you were never mine. _

I put a copious amount of distance between my mate and I. A tear flowed down Rhys cheek. My bond with Rhys was screaming out,  _ brush the tear away, _ it whispered to me. But I couldn’t. I was furious and sad. 

How did this even happen? I had been reeling about my nightmare, which had drawn me back home in the first place. Tamlin had no control over nightmares but I was sure Rhys did and I knew he wanted me home badly enough to make my nightmares worse than they were. 

No-I wouldn’t think that of my mate. We stood there in the hallway, Rhys’ lip wobbling and a steady stream of tears flowing down his beautiful cheeks. 

I squeezed my hands into fists. I could do this, I had two choices, stay here, and live with the fact that Rhys hadn’t told me the answer to the riddle when he could’ve  _ and _ he’d held Tamlin’s mind then had tried to use sex to fix things between us or I could go back to the Spring Court and damn the consequences. 

“Rhys, I think you need to understand somethings. I hate it when you use your body as a way to apologize to me. I know we’re in the middle of trying for a little one but maybe this is the wrong time. I don’t want a river house and a baby I want… peace. The way you reacted when I got home was… strange. You’ve been more possessive lately. I want to work through this so badly but you’re suffocating me. I  _ need _ to help Tamlin. I don’t care what you think about it. It doesn’t change the fact that I love you and you’re my mate. I just need… space.” 

Rhys wiped his cheek and she saw him bite the inside of his cheek. “I love you Feyre. I’m not the perfect mate. I fuck up, I make mistakes, but I love you.” Rhys hung his head and sniffled. 

I wrapped him in a hug. This was all so hard. 

I took off my mating ring. I didn’t want to give it back to him… 

My hands shook and I handed the ring back to him, tears now spilling down my cheeks as well. 

Everything I had with Rhys was built around fate. Around the fact that there was some kind of Cauldron blessed union.  **There was no such thing.** I felt my human heart wilting in my chest. 

_ I had no idea what I was doing. _

By the time I was done, Rhys had tears falling from his eyes and dripping onto the carpet.

I went back into the bedroom and got my things. 

“Let me take you, let me me set up wards around Tamlin’s so you’ll be safe.” Rhys pleaded. 

My voice caught on a sob. “O-ok.” 

We stepped out of the Townhouse and into the night before I knew it we were rushing through time and space. 

We were greeted by the cloudy Spring Court sky. It looked like it was going to rain. 

I stepped up the manor stairs and saw that all the fae lights were out. Tamlin must be back in bed.

I glanced back at my mate, he was sobbing and putting up wards. So  _ I would be safe _ . I choked on a whimper. He glanced up and gave me a sorrowful look. 

I left my suitcase in the foyer and walked upstairs trying not to make the staircase creak. 

I slid into my bed and fell into a fitful sleep. 

  
  


*~*~*

  
  


There was a soft knocking on my door the next morning… or was it afternoon? Alis bustled in and I shot out of bed. “Alis!” 

“Oh Feyre dear! Prince Varian had word from Velaris that… that you and High Lord Rhysand were…” She looked at me to see if it was true.

“It’s complicated.” 

“Oh dear me.” Alis said shaking her head. 

I scrunched my face. “Does Tamlin know I’m back?” 

“It was the first order Tamlin gave me, go wake you up and get you some food.” 

Someone knocked on the door. A bright red head of hair poked into the room. “Alis if you need anything else just let us know.” 

“Lucien!” I got up and ran to him from bed. 

I gave him a firm hug and kissed his cheek. 

I excused myself from Lucien, realizing I was only in my nightgown, and turned to Alis. She handed me some trousers and a blue blouse and I got dressed. 

I went downstairs. Tamlin was in the kitchen sipping a cup of coffee. 

For a moment I just watched him. He had sausage and pancakes. Lucien was flipping great fluffy pancakes in a pan and Tamlin… well there was a hint of a smile on his face. 

I walked in. Everything went silent. I cleared my throat and placed a kiss on top of Tamlin’s head. 

Tamlin continued munching on his breakfast. I walked up to the stove and poured some tea for myself. Lucien had a brow raised. He said to me in a low voice, “What about Elain?” 

“She’s coming, in the next few days.” I said softly. I had reached into her mind and told her I was leaving. Given Nesta’s behavior at Solstice I had no intention of letting her near Tamlin or Elain’s mate. She and Cassian needed to work out their shit anyway, if they were truly mates there would be nothing I could do to stop them even though Rhys would probably be furious. 

“What are you two whispering about?” Tamlin said after he pushed his plate away.

“Lucien’s mate,” I said. 

“Oh,” Tamlin hadn’t considered Elain was still in Velaris. 

I went to the table and sipped my coffee, I wondered where all this food had come from… “Lucien… Did you bring this food with you?” 

“Yes. I brought two cartfuls with me. Tamlin sent word that… you were here and that you were… well I don’t know what’s going on between you and Rhys but, the Spring Court is much merrier with you here.” 

“And that must’ve surprised you?” 

“Not terribly. Rhys, for all his charity was always concealing a black heart.” 

I bit my lip and sighed. 

  
  


*~*~*

  
  


Having Lucien and Alis there lifted Tamlin’s mood and I was glad for it. I had no idea why Lucien had come back after Tamlin had told him in no uncertain terms that they were no longer friends. Maybe it was me? Maybe it was Elain? 

Regardless of the status of my marriage or mate bond I needed to train. In order to keep flying I needed to stick to a schedule of intense exercise and core work. I wasn’t sure about training in front of Tamlin. The illyrian wings were his gift to me, a gift I’d gone from resenting to loving. 

I was standing just outside the manor house and I unleashed my wings. I heard a low rumble from behind me. I felt a rush of air from behind me and I leapt into the spring breeze. I circled around to see that it was Tamlin. I flew North, until Tamlin was merely a dot on the horizon. I didn’t want to fly too far, so I turned around and flew… back to Tamlin. When I landed he was clapping. 

His green eyes twinkled in the afternoon sun. I would never forget the surge of strength and the spring breeze he had given me during the invasion of Hybern. Before him I hadn’t been able to make a landing without flying straight into something and yet, whatever love he had for me had made me able to fly. 

Even as his green eyes twinkled, a shy look overcame him. “There’s wards on the manor this morning? Who did that?” 

I cleared my throat, suddenly feeling all the strain of last night. “Rhys did, when he dropped me off. How did you know things between him and were… strained.” 

“I didn’t until he fucking broke into my mind and told me and, of course, the whole Summer Court knows because that… that… creature…” 

“Amren.” I interrupted. 

“Yeah, her, she got a message to Varian and he had someone bring Alis back.”

I nodded. 

There was a long pause and then...

“Why? Why come here and remind us both of feelings that are long lost and best forgotten? Clearly even if his reasons weren’t… pure… your life with him has been good.” Tamlin said sincerely.

There were so many reasons. Because Rhys had lied, because I was pretty sure there were more lies about my life at the Court of Dreams. One lie would never be enough to create such a life, I knew, deep down that Rhys had more secrets than he would ever be able to tell me. 

“I don’t want to talk about it Tamlin. Rhys has always been, and now, will always be, my greatest mistake.” 

“I….” Tamlin started. His hands were shaking and not from anger. I’d never seen him uncertain before but I welcomed it. 

He was hesitating and I didn’t know what he wanted to say. 

“You know I love you, have loved you throughout this entire ordeal. I love you, Feyre Archeron and I will love you until the stars fall out of the heavens.” 

I was the one shaking now, I didn’t want to talk about this, didn’t want think about the possibilities now that I was free. He tucked a stray strand of hair out of my face.

I looked up at him and remembered the mask and the curse I’d freed him from. I remembered the nights we’d spent out in the fields and Tamlin playing the violin for me. My heart sang. 

“Tamlin, what’s between us is infinite.” I took a deep breath. “I have loved you since you saved me from the Naga, the day I caught the Suriel. I loved you when you fumbled, when you couldn’t let me go for fear of losing me. I have always been yours.” 

I leaned in, and kissed his lips. They were soft, he smelled of woodsmoke and the first of the spring strawberries. I remembered that smell, I needed it. 

He cupped my cheek with his calloused hands and leaned in closer to the kiss. I opened my mouth wanting more, more, always more of him. He coaxed my tongue into his mouth and my fingers found a way into his short hair. He sucked on my tongue and we stood like that for I don’t know how long.    
  


Kissing him like that was like tapping into a part of me that I had thought died under the mountain. A lovely, human part of me. The girl who only wanted her sisters to marry well and have enough money for food and paint. 

I pulled away eventually and he rested his forehead on mine and I didn’t know if time and space existed. “I love you.” I said to him. 

“I never stopped loving you.” He responded. 

“I know.” I said softly, a smile creeping onto my features. 

He let out a shuddering breath and stepped back. 

All I could think was how badly I wanted Tamlin. We needed to go slow, things had gotten messed up before because we couldn’t control ourselves. 

I kissed his cheek and smoothed my hands down his shoulders. He seemed to be regaining some of the muscle he’d lost after being without food. I assumed it was magic. 

“Let’s go for a walk.” I said, trying to break the silence. 

He kissed my cheek and we walked into the meadow. 

  
  


*~*~*

  
  


The rest of the day proceeded well enough. My walk with Tamlin was uneventful. He held my hand, I knew there was a promise there. I just didn’t dare think too hard on it. 

When we returned Tamlin went into the woods and killed an elk. 

So here I was, cutting pieces of the elk for us to all eat, with Alis managing the frying pan. There was blood all over my hands and I washed them. Dinner would be ready soon. 

Lucien was apparently here to stay, which was nice. I also noticed the illyrians on the border of the Spring Court hadn’t moved an inch. I was sure Cassian was furious and that Rhys had suggested, none too gently, to keep his men in place. 

My heart ached for a moment. All the friends I had in Velaris, did they hate me now? It was such a strange thing to think. I loved Cassian and Azriel like brothers, they had never done anything but show me kindness. I didn’t suspect any of the Inner Circle of any wrongdoing, no, this was on Rhys’ shoulder’s alone. 

Tamlin came up to me and caressed my shoulder, “Are you alright? You look like you’re upset.” 

I sighed, “I’m just thinking.” 

He pursed his lips and nodded. Alis announced that dinner was ready, she had also made mashed potatoes and green beans. 

I ate, and I was reminded of my first days in Prythian. The food tasted so good, and Tamlin had been quiet and mysterious, much like I was being now. 

Other than what was publicly known about our break up, I hadn’t told Tam much about it. I was still legally, the High Lady of the Night Court and married and mated to Rhys. I had no idea how to tell him or anyone else that Lucien had lost his eye, I had nearly died and Tamlin’s heart had been broken because of Rhys. Where did I even begin? 

I excused myself from the table when I had my fill. I was on the stairs, headed for my room when I heard the staircase creak. I looked and Tam was there with questioning eyes.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

I bit my lip, “No.” 

“Is there anything I can do?” Tamlin asked, he looked like he really wanted to talk to me. 

“No, but leave your door unlocked tonight. I don’t want to sleep alone again.” 

Tamlin looked surprised but didn’t question me. He reached out and gave my hand a squeeze. 

I smiled wearily at him and slipped into my room. 

  
  


*~*~*

  
  


I cried and cried and cried. I had sealed the door shut with magic so I wouldn’t be disturbed. I didn’t want Tamlin to hear my crying. So far the bond with Rhys had been unnaturally quiet-not that I wanted to hear from him. 

After everything we’d been through, it had all been for nothing I wanted to grieve my loss in private and I wasn’t sure if Tamlin would understand. Rhys had meant the world to me. I had been surprised that he would give up such a secret so willingly. Maybe it had been Tamlin’s scent on me that broke his resolve. 

Gently I reached out and caressed the bond. 

_ Hello, Feyre darling.  _ Rhys replied. 

_ My heart is breaking _ . 

_ Mine broke when you gave back the mating ring.  _

I frowned. I remembered the Weaver’s Cottage and getting that ring and nearly losing my life in the process. 

_ Why did you do this?  _ I questioned Rhys.

_ Because you’re my mate.  _

_ That’s not good enough! _

Rhys let a sigh down the bond,  _ Please come home, before you do something with Tamlin you regret.  _

_ Have you been spying on me!?  _ I raged. 

_ I know enough that you kissed him. How do you think that made me feel? My mate, my wife and my High Lady in another males arms? _

I brought down walls of adamant to shut him out. He tried to stay inside my head and it was almost as if he had stuck his foot in the door and now I couldn’t shut it.  _ Get out of my head! _

_ You’re going to sleep with him tonight aren’t you? _

I paused. What was I supposed to say? Yes, I was going to sleep with him but… not like  _ that.  _

_ I’ll have Tamlin winnow me to Velaris to begin divorce proceedings tomorrow.  _

The connection went quiet and I finished bringing down the walls in my head. What was I doing? I needed to talk to Tamlin. 

I realized I was full on ugly crying and hastily tried to dry my tears. A wave of sadness hit me,  _ divorce proceedings _ . That had been below the belt. I’m sure there would be money involved. I didn’t want anything other than what he’d given me through the war. I didn’t want his considerable wealth. 

_ I wanted the truth. _

  
  


*~*~*

  
  


It was nearly midnight when I knocked lightly on Tamlin’s door. 

“Come in.” Tamlin said through the door. 

I opened the door and beheld him sitting up in bed, reading. He was shirtless and… I’d be a fool if I didn’t admit that fire in my belly was singing for him. I sat down on the bed, right next to him. I kissed him, trying to see if this was what I really wanted. He seemed stunned at first and his lips didn’t move, but then, when I didn’t stop kissing him he pressed his lips to mine. 

There was something so delicious about it. Tamlin tangled a hand in my hair and I moaned. I opened my mouth and flooded the connection between Rhys and I with my racing heart, my wet core and the way this rang true for me. Before I could get a response I slammed the walls of my mind down on Rhys like a trap. 

I continued kissing Tamlin, until I’d had my fill and caressed his cheek, “I need to go to Velaris tomorrow.” 

He gulped, “Why? Don’t you want to stay here with me and our friends?” 

I smiled, I could feel Rhys beating on my shields, “I need to get a lawyer and start the process of divorcing Rhys.” 

Tamlin’s eyes widened. He was silent for a long moment, then he placed a beautifully gentle kiss on my forehead. His lips skimmed against mine and he whispered, “I love you.” 

I smiled and I looked him in the eyes, his pupils were blown wide with love and I couldn’t have imagined a better way to end my day, than in his arms. 

  
  
  


*~*~*

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are amazing


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